|
|
Tuesday, December 1st, 2009
|
|
Friday, November 27th, 2009
|
|
Saturday, November 21st, 2009
|
|
Monday, November 9th, 2009
|
|
Thursday, November 5th, 2009
|
|
Monday, November 2nd, 2009
|
|
|
Excerpt from "Port of Call" by Tom Lewis
... "In this dirty, smoky barroom you stare blindly at your past,
And you see the ghost of every coast appearing in your glass.
And you did your bit for Europe, for your king and your country,
But they soon forgot your sacrifice in the wake of victory,
Now these empty bottles ask you: was it peace or was it war,
Was it love or just frustration that brought you down so far." ....
Halloween. 2006's Halloween (or a day or so prior, since the party I went to wouldn't have occurred on a school night) was a night i haven't forgotten. She and i had just made up, again, after being apart for a little more than a week (random fun fact: sometime during that week I had a peculiar three-way telephone conversation with a drunk bruno and dudeman). The following three months concluded the most fantastic journey I have ever been on, and may be the most significant portion of my life.
We partied, we sorrowed, laughed and cried. We even went to Canada, however briefly.
I wonder if She still has her cupful of Canadian soil.
I wonder a great many things that I don't permit myself the luxury of dwelling upon any longer. The anguish is not fresh, but old wounds prodded still bleed.
Eric asked me "why", but I find that i still cannot explain. "Why was it good? Was She good to you?" I don't even know what it means for someone to be "good to you". I like to think that She was good, that She genuinely cared, and that despite all our problems being with me was more rewarding than being without me (at least, during the duration of Her stay).
I not only do not remember how to meet a person, how to begin a relationship, _how to bloody start a conversation_ with someone new, but I also do not recall how to be in a relationship. I have too much to do for myself, let alone distract myself with someone else. I'd gladly do it, for a time, but when the dust settles and $she and I begin the routine we develop-- a lifestyle, the day to day behaviour, perhaps similar to what I once had with Her (The simple things; waking in the morning, preparing food, maintaining the relationship, maintaining the household, talking of our day, our plans, perhaps our dreams, hopes, wishes)-- i no longer know if i'm capable of modifying myself for that.
I go to eric's about once a week, and we begin the visit by him doing his thing on his laptop, and perhaps i mine, and it is good. we've concluded that a partner for him would likely have to fill the space on his couch that I occupy, doing her own thing while he does his, with conversation flowing between. preposterous. But how is it any different from my own condition?
I followed Her around. We did what She wanted the majority of the time, but I found that it was good. /I/ wanted this. (I eventually realized that a part of this was living vicariously through Her wants, dreams, and ambition, but it didn't matter: we were both happy). While I don't doubt that I could fall into that again with Her, She has changed, I have changed (from what I have heard, we are even further polar opposites than we started (which doesn't make a good analogy, but the sentiment is known)), and She as more than moved on. And I am not convinced that I could, or would even be interested in, a similar arrangement with a new female.
I have no future with anyone. I have only myself to look forward to, and whatever random, fleeting encounters may come my way. I am too stubborn to change my ways in anything but very gradual, marginal, minute shifts as time wears on. And this is the anathema to any relationship, platonic or not, bromance or romance.
I used to think that as time wore on I would relent, lower the bar, and become more outgoing. Perhaps become more desperate. I think I have become bitter and resentful. I never was quick to trust, but I suspect that if I ever encounter someone with whom I might have a shot, my pathological suspicion and jealousy would be insurmountable.
I strongly suspect that shortly after I've moved out whatever my lifestyle has become will be largely up for negotiation. I too soon get hung over not even meeting someone that all derivative lines of thought are probably worthless worrymongering. Meeting someone really does look to be an impassable barrier, one that makes all other speculating an academic exercise.
I sometimes wish that there was something I could do to make it all go away. Just let me do what I do, and stop being so concerned over it all. I hear castration is a fairly effective option, but on the off chance that I do meet someone, I may wish to procreate. (though, on that topic, I feel that I'm already too old for it. I'm older than my Mother was when she got married, and will soon be older than she was when she had me and not too long after older than my Father when he got married, then had me. In less time than since I met Her I will be older than my Mother was when she had my youngest sibling, and not long after that i'll be older than my Father was. I'm not saying growing up with older parents than most of my peers has been bad, but there are some energetic aspects of child rearing I missed out on that I'm not sure I wish to perpetuate. :/ )
Supposing I don't assume $she is out to hurt me -- that suspicion has been surmounted -- what then?
Anyhow, I probably should poke at this script for USSSP or this pc104 board, or something.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Monday, October 12th, 2009
|
|
|
I bloody can't tell myself enough: put a line "$debug = 1;" at the top of my code, and bloody use "print('debug shit here') if($debug);"
*sigh*
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Sunday, October 11th, 2009
|
|
Tuesday, October 6th, 2009
|
|
|
|
Oh, and I discovered that one of my sister's other friends applied to Walmart but was rejected because she wasn't fluent in Spanish. So, no Walmart for me. :/
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
|
I bought a battery for my UPS. Really don't like having ~2.8tb of "my life" on shakey power. That will help. Course, it will arrive in about seven days. :P
Speaking of which, four 1tb drives in raid5 only produce ~2.8tb of space (roughly 2752gb). Was foolishly expecting a bit closer to 3 full tb, like, say, ~2900gb. *sigh*
I went from having ~1tb raid1 to ~2.8tb raid5 just two weeks ago, and already i've filled ~1.4tb of it..
Eventually I'll build my fileserver, and eventually I'll have an absurd amount of disk space. I haven't felt like i had an absurd amount since the time i went from ~2gb to 6gb, back in '99 or '00 or so. I suppose if 4tb drives hit the shelves in the next few years it wouldn't be too obscene to assemble a 6x2tb raid6. At that point, i may well just stick with raid1, though. *shrugs*, time may tell.
Discovered that the mbr doesn't let you partition more than 2tb of space. was rather rudely forced to learn lvm a bit better. I probably could have just made the entire "disk" one filesystem sans-partition, but I use ext4 (switched from xfs to ext3/4 when xfs ate the notes i was taking in class. Absolutely no guarantee ext3 would have been any better, and ext4 fsyncs probably about as often as xfs (less frequently than ext3), but at least i can tell ext3/4 to bloody journal everything, not just metadata like xfs). Even with the faster fsck, i didn't want to wait the time it would take to fsck ~1.4tb (ext4 is supposed to be half the time to fsck a full disk (thus 1.4, not 2.8), and even less on non-full disks (depending on how non-full)) of a full "disk" when i eventually fill the thing. So, three partitions, staggered mount#/days-to-fsck and i should be good to go. Not nearly as fast as xfs, but xfs doesn't have the option to journal all data. Yes, it's slower, but speed isn't everything.
In other news, my sister had a birthday party. It was interesting, but nowhere near as eventful as her party nine years ago. (Though, her female friends /did/ hug me, and they smelled nice, so that was win. :D)
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Monday, October 5th, 2009
|
|
Saturday, September 12th, 2009
|
|
|
Some time last week I deleted my bloody facebook or myspace or whatever the hell it was.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
|
I get more work done for USSSP, Inc. during class hours than I do during five times the number of hours (conscious) at home.
That kinda sucks.
This morning I discovered my 1tb raid1 array had less free space than my ram disk.
That kinda sucks.
I just realized that I should have bought an rf modulator from newegg when I bought an additional harddrive (or four), and possibly save on shipping.
That kinda sucks.
I need to get myself back in the rhythm of work. I accomplished less during the week, but during weekends i didn't lag bloody ten hours after waking to actually start working on something. Plus, being unemployed, i'll probably end up actually using my mornings for my projects (and USSSP code).
In other news, I read that with recent kernel versions (2.6.30+) it is possible to convert a raid1 to raid5 and expand existing raid5 drive counts without losing data, reformatting, etc., etc. I chickened out and got ++drives so i can just create the raid the target size and temporarily store all the content on one drive. This has the advantage of being a cold spare for when one of the drives craps out, or being a travel drive... Will i have the will power to just let the drive sit or will i travel back and forth between my stockpile and a friends' stockpile with a 1tb sneaker?
I also need to learn how to use the s.m.a.r.t. deamon -- convince it to email me when shit goes down. and i need to buy a battery for my UPS..
But first, write some more code for USSSP...
(paraphrasing a friend of mine), "I need a life."
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Friday, September 11th, 2009
|
|
|
(11:21:24) [redacted]: Here's to the future
(11:21:33) Tanis: speaking of which
(11:21:40) Tanis: you were going to toss some code my way
(11:21:49) [redacted]: Yeah I will when I'm in the right OS
(11:21:59) Tanis: can't ro the ntfs drive?
(11:22:00) [redacted]: also when I'm not furiously pissed
(11:22:12) Tanis: well, can't ro the furiously pissed part
(11:22:23) Tanis: or, at least, it wont' help
(11:22:27) [redacted]: heh
|
|
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Thursday, September 10th, 2009
|
|
|
Dude's boss finally took a look at my resume and said he was looking for "higher level" programmers.
Damn.
In other news, I've been working on perl/cgi scripts for USSSP, Inc. It is very slow going -- whomever they had doing this prior to my volunteering didn't leave a lot of comments and employed a great deal of copy'n'paste. I've been fiddling with a script which is 3k lines long, constantly uses "local" instead of "my", and violates "use strict" on seemingly every third line. My first task was to add a mechanism to mark multiple submissions with check boxes and do group- tasks (delete, save, etc) similar to email. I've managed to decipher how the user logs in (split/redundant across at least three subroutines) and how data is stored on disk. I've been designing a unification of all this redundant login and authentication code, but i've been doing so at a glacial pace.
I have yet to receive my degrees in the mail. This is a bit worrysome.. Almost enough that I'm tempted to actually go poke someone about it.
I'm taking php/mysql this semester. The class has met once and it was horribly boring. I expect tomorrows class will be horribly boring as well. Class after that should get into some programming, which will likely be deathly boring if the sylibus has anything to say about it.
I'm mostly taking this course because i have zero database experience. I may well have been able to teach myself from a book, or online, but i do find that learning unfamiliar things in the context of programming helps a bit. I know very little about php, but i strongly suspect that anything mysql-related in php will easily translate to other programming language interfaces.
And adding php to my resume may not hurt any.
That said, i'm tempted to apply to bloody wal-mart. they probably aren't as picky about my lack of experience. (I just /really/ don't want to deal with the general public, and i suspect virtually all positions available to me would be directly interfacing with the public. :P)
meh.
|
|
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Monday, August 31st, 2009
|
|
|
I saw Her again a week ago today. It is impossible to express how much love and hate was mixed in that moment. I hate how I feel when i see her, but hearing her voice fills me with joy. I am not over her. I fled my home.
Suspecting that I was nearing the date where I'll have been single as many days as She and I were together, I decided to finally find/write a script that will tell me.
(dates are yyyy.mm.dd or yyyy.m.d)
[<redacted>@Henry ~]$ perl days_delta.pl 2004.1.4 2006.2.17
Delta is 775
[<redacted>@Henry ~]$ perl days_delta.pl 2006.6.1 2007.1.28
Delta is 241
[<redacted>@Henry ~]$ perl days_delta.pl 2007.1.28 2009.8.31
Delta is 946
It will be 1016 days since 2007.1.28 by 2009.11.9, so not quite as near as I figured. (I was thinking within the next seven days, not seventy)
I'm a little startled that the second portion of our relationship was 241 days long. I thought it was a bit shorter. Regardless of length, it was the best time of my life. Also contains a few moments of the worst time of my life, but with Her it was good.
|
|
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Sunday, August 16th, 2009
|
|
Thursday, August 6th, 2009
|
|
|
I removed approximately 170 bookmarks in firefox today. The vast majority of them dated from 2004, and they are no longer really relevant.
Before I discovered Session Manager for firefox (and before i was even using firefox) I would save open tabs in a bookmark directory and get to the links later -- after a reboot or after some other cause for closing my browser. Thousands of these I have managed to get back to. Hundreds, or maybe thousands, I wouldn't, and i'd just remove. Then came Session Manager, which would save open tabs and restore them after a crash, or you could save all open tabs and name the save (which i shared with my laptop so i could open 'em away from home). Since that time I'd been whittling down what i'd saved as bookmarks. This was a slow process, as just over half of the last six years (most notably the first half) my time was split between computer and companionship, and the later half I've increased the load of random things i'd read online so as to keep myself fairly busy. RSS hasn't really improved things, other than spending less time gathering data and more time skimming over things.
I'm not sure what is going on. Something happened and i'm spending more time dwelling upon the past. Maybe i'm falling back into my routine from just prior to finding a job. Everything is reminding me of Her again. I never got over that to begin with, so this escalation may be trivially imperceptive to all y'all.
I actually went through each of those ~170 tabs. didn't read the full content on most of them, but actually analyzed what it was that i'd wanted to read later. A decent percentage of them were stuff about Her (like random things i'd found about Her, or found She'd written online), or stuff i wanted to send Her way at some point. This process never ends. I clean my room, and i find Her everywhere. I clean my computer, and She's still here.
The other morning i awoke from a dream of holding Her. Just holding. Maybe we were chatting in my dream, but i don't remember. I wake, and i could still feel Her in my arms, smell her delicious aroma, hear Her soft breathing beside me, pondering what new adventure awaits us when we seized the day..
My sister keeps telling me that i can't think about it. If i don't move on, i'll never be ready for what comes next. I don't know how she can know. She's never been here.
I honestly think nothing comes next. What i've experienced will never happen again, and all i have left are my memories. I wasn't graced with an oral tradition, and my memories won't stand the test of time. If i don't remember them, who will?
And where will that leave me when all that i am is turned to ashes, an empty husk wandering the earth, gently pleading for someone to hire a semi-competent programmer?
excerpt from "not over you yet"
...
I found joy in your touch
I miss your kisses the way you made me blush
Life is cruel now that you're gone
I love you so I can't let go
I'm crazy for you
...
|
|
Comments: Read 8 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
(14:55:36) Rob: bloop
(14:55:41) Tanis: woop
(14:55:45) Rob: shoop
(14:55:49) Tanis: noop
(14:56:04) Rob: Does that one actually count?
(14:56:08) Tanis: probably not
(14:56:10) Tanis: heh
(14:56:16) Rob: indeed.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
ryshad's journal
